wHy

I hate the new mirrors that my dad put in my wardrobe. Everytime I change I see myself.

Stark naked.

With fATz flowing out from every corner. It's so so so disgusting. When I look @ myself I see a obese lump of shit. All those imperfections just stare right back at me. How am I going to live like this? I am everything everyone detests to be. Really.

Fat/Short/Ugly/Stupid

What the fuck.

//


I feel like I've wasted all these 16 years of my life. I've never made the right decision on anything. Be it my life, friends, studies etc, I just fuck everything up.

I'm disappointed that no one really bothers to do anything for me. I'm always just hanging there in the middle. Close enough to people that they'd tell me they love my company, that they'd tell me what's wrong with them. But never close enough for them to take the initiative to do something for me. When the occasion is special to me, I always end up alone hoping for someone to surprise me. And poof, it doesn't happen.

My dreams make me sad. I always dream that I'm continuously climbing. Hoping to reach the top. But always. Something stops me in my tracks. I'll slip and fall. I see hands that stretch out to me. I smile. I try to grab them. But they retract away from me. Slowly. Only then did I see that it's not the hands that were retracting. But the fact that in the first place, it was never stretched out fully to offer me the support I needed.

Why? Because I'm not deserving of anyone to even want to fully give me support. I'm never number 1, the most important. I'm always just somewhere behind. Never able to cross over the line.

I wish I was a loner. Then maybe I'd have the excuse that people don't know/hang out w me. That's why they don't notice me. But no, I just have to hang out with people. And now I don't have the excuse of deluding myself into believing I'm un-noticed. The blunt reality is just slammed in my face. I'm just being forgotten.

Face it Shanice, nothing's going to change.

It's been 16 years.









//


These things take time, love
These things take backbone
And they'll tell you what you want to hear
They say it gets better, better
But you better know how to point out the liars
You've got to win your wars, make sure
You're not fighting for nothing, nothing
Are you fighting for nothing, nothing


Feels like I already am.